What happens when you manifest something too early? You *think* you want it, it presents itself in a shiny promising opportunity but your heart overrides your ego and you let the opportunity go. Actually, you verbally decline the position after weeks of stress and pros/cons lists because your heart can’t move on yet. You to choose to stay exactly where you are at. And did I make a mistake? Here is the whole story…
I have been feeling stuck in my job for a long time. I have had the same title and pay grade for 7 years. I am also in a position that is tied to specific needs of the employer so there is not a lot of room for growth or mobility. I know that in order to advance I will have to leave my position all together.
For the past few years I have desired a new job and more money. I finally started to take action on this goal in the summer of 2016 just months before my employer initiated a massive reorganization with job cuts. I kept my job while 20% of the workforce did not. It was a sad and nerve wracking time.
I forged ahead. I took a business course and applied (and was accepted) into the leadership training program at work. A month into the leadership program I became pregnant with baby #2. I still forged ahead. I completed my unique leadership project with a presentation to the entire institution at 8 months pregnant and the weight of a large baby pressing on my rib cage.
While in the Leadership program (and about 3 months pregnant), I took an exam for a State job and got on the civil service list with a high test score. In late summer of 2017 I started receiving canvass letters for state jobs. I worked with the career services office to update and polish my resume. When I received a canvass letter I would fill it out and mail it back with my resume. In December (2017), it appeared my preparation paid off. I had baby #2 and interviewed for a new job at 6 weeks postpartum. Two days after the interview, I got a call with a job offer! I was elated!
I would need full time infant care so I made a few phone calls and found an opening in the coming weeks. This would fit the time line since there is a long hiring process with the State. Everything seemed to be falling into place. I would be starting at a slightly higher salary than I was currently making ($2,500 more) but would be at $70k in seven years with the built-in annual wage increases.
I rode the high for about two weeks and felt my self esteem soaring. I know I am under employed in my current role. I know I am capable of more. I know I am worth a much, much higher wage. My soul knows this.
The New Year rang in. We had finally managed to negotiate a deal on a new house and moved three weeks after my interview. I was moving forward and embracing change. But as I completed each next step of the hiring process for the State job; the new job with higher pay that I had been asking for and coveting, the more stressed out I became.
My husband and I had long talks about it. I made pros and cons lists. My husband supported whichever decision I made but it was up to me and I was stressed out and battling internally between my heart and my mind.
The thought of leaving my infant and paying $1,200 each month in childcare; essentially spend $14k to make an extra $2K didn’t seem like good math or a good use of my time. It would strain me to get up at 5 A.M. so that I could get myself and two kids out the door, two separate drop offs, and then back for pick-ups (we have one car so my husband and I would car pool). Our day would look like this:
5 am – wake up and shower
5:30 – feed the pets, make coffee
5:45am – wake my husband to take the dog out for walk, dry my hair
6:00 – wake up my 3yr old to get dressed, make her breakfast
6:30 – wake the baby, nurse her, change her diaper and get her ready
7am – get dressed and out the door no later than 7:15
7:15 – leave for morning commute
7:30 – drop baby off at daycare (this takes about 10 minutes because you have to park, walk in, sign in, get her settled)
7:45- drop off big sister to preschool
7:50 – drive the two miles to my work so I can start at 8am
8am – husband fights morning traffic to his job, find parking and get to his desk for an 8:30 start time.
*this does not account for the days we have my stepdaughter and need to get her to school in morning which is going in the opposite direction of course…
I would work until 4pm but my husband works until 4:30 then would pick me up and we would do the entire drop off routine in reverse but also have evening traffic to contend with. It would take at least an hour to get home, putting us back home between 5:30-6pm. That’s an 11 hour day only to return home to start dinner, care for the pets, pack lunches, organize for the next day, baths and bedtime. We would also have to plan for inclement weather (rain, or snow storms)
I would miss preschool events (class plays, the spring concert, helping during ice skating practices) because I would not have the time off or flexibility to attend. And all working moms know that once you put a child in day care, they are sick with every cold virus crawling around that place. Since I wouldn’t have the sick time to stay home right away, this would fall solely to my husband. Who would stay home on a snow day? Who would be available to run home when the repair guy came? Do we leave the dog crated for 11 hours a day? I would need to train my newborn to bottle feed, something I never had to do with my first child because I worked from home and nursed her on demand. Where will I pump at the new job? Do they have a dedicated nursing room?
I knew we could ‘make it work’ but at what cost?
The logistics gave me a headache. I know if I really want a change then I need to be willing to dive in but the pit in my stomach grew and I knew I had to do the inevitable. I called the hiring boss and declined the position. It was one of the hardest conversations I have even initiated.
Now, four weeks back at my job and I am disconnected. I am struggling to complete a very important project. We are facing another round of layoffs and I can’t help but wonder…Did I make a mistake?
Will another opportunity come up or a better one?
I don’t know.
Will I regret passing on that job and end up laid-off and jobless with these new rounds of cuts?
I don’t know.
I don’t know enough about manifestation to answer these questions.
What I do know is that I get to be with my newborn every single day. I am at home and bonding with her. I am spending sweet time with her that I will never have again. And that is where my heart is.